CHRISTMAS IS BAD FOR YOU
No, really. Christmas is hazardous to your health. Look at the evidence:
Every December hundreds of people get injured by falling off the roof while installing lights, or burn their houses down doing ill-advised things with electricity.
Americans, already the fattest people on the planet, consume umpteen gazillion tons of cookies, cakes, candy, and other treats in order to celebrate our god-given right to profligacy and excess, thereby becoming even fatter and slothier than we were the year before. Thank you, Jesus.
In addition to the unwholesome consumption of sweets that we require of them, we further damage our children by loading them up with electronic babysitters that cause them to spend untold hours of their lives parked on their asses while their brains leak out their ears.
The outrageous level of Christmas hype is carefully constructed by corporate conglomerates to convince us that our lives suck. Who could live up to the Norman Rockwell pictures of familial bliss that bombard us from all sides? We scramble for months to make our family’s Christmas perfect, just like it is on TV. If it isn’t quite right (and it never is) we try to fix it by buying ever more decorations, bigger, more expensive gifts, and richer, more lavish platters of cookies, cakes and candy. Who benefits from this, do you think?
People get depressed at Christmas time. The stress of unrealistic holiday expectations weighs on us and magnifies the small frustrations of daily living. No one is immune. Look around at our fellow bloggers: ordinarybutloud is having a hard time, michaelsean’s looking to relocate, Jay, having discovered his inner chick, wants to be the next Erma Bombeck, sportsgoddesswishes she didn’t have to buy the obligatory gifts for acquired relatives, Tiffany is struggling to bloom where she’s been planted even though she hates the damn place. Who is happy at this time of year? No one. Well, this year my pal gungaboy is happy, but only because he’s got a new sweetums and is in full swoon.
Oddly enough, I think the people who get through this season unscathed are the very religious Christians, because they spend their time doing religious Christian stuff regarding the birth of their Savior instead of scouring the Walmart bins for deals on presents for the in-laws. Maybe the rest of us should just stay out of it.