Is it just me, or does Martha Stewart bear a remarkable resemblance to Jesus Christ?

No, really. Hear me out.

Martha was immensely popular, with legions of loyal followers. She knew that if you give a woman a placemat, she’ll be stuck with the same table décor forever, but if you teach her to stencil, she will have a stunning array of accoutrements whenever needed, perhaps even in a loaf and fish design.

Well, the Authorities were threatened by Martha, and the population was restless. Some people simply refused to accept the annunciation of artistry, the gospel of good food. They ate Rice-a-Roni out of chipped and mismatched bowls and plotted Martha’s downfall.

Martha got busted on a trumped up charge (more about Trump later). And then… betrayal. One by one her employees testified against her. Some sobbed as they did so.

Martha’s followers railed against her accusers, they gnashed their teeth and pounded their bosoms in sorrow. But the Authorities could not be swayed.

Finally Martha came to understand that this was her fate. She would be horribly punished for the sins of all the uppity, brusque, business-like women who stepped on the toes of inferior men on their way to the top.

She refused to appeal, choosing instead to carry her spatula to Camp Cupcake and take it like a Messiah. There, she suffered. How she suffered! With only a microwave to cook with, Martha foraged for dandelion leaves and wild onions on the grounds. No floral arrangements in hand-painted vases graced the tables in the mess hall. No crocheted doilies brightened the cells. Martha did this for me. And for you.

You know how this story ends. Martha has been resurrected. Martha lives. Her name will again be large on her magazine cover. She will again crack eggs one-handed on daytime television. And yes, she will star in “The Apprentice-Martha Stewart,” taking her rightful place as the Queen of America on the throne right next to King Trump.

Break out the ramekin and make a soufflé. Carry it proudly to the table, singing hymns to the doyenne of domesticity. Martha loves you.


37 thoughts on “

  1. Hey There!
    I’ve never thought about it like that before!   Thanks for sharing it!
    Sorry so behind in stopping by again…Just now got around to updating my blog and putting a recent picture of my little kitty, Shadow, on it.
    Hope you have a great Sunday!

  2. Did you see the special on her last night?  Not knowing much about her I really enjoyed it, almost as much as your post.  Well done.  And I will just go on record here to say, “I dig Martha.”

  3. I’m going to put a “Martha Fish” on the back of my car! Except mine is going to be lightly breaded, cooked in a creamy white wine bechamel and served with fresh shallots.

  4. Martha, Martha evermore, ad nauseam!I hope she assumes an aura of humility as she reincarnates her image! Thoroughly enjoyed your verbiage!Thanks for a laugh out loud early morning gift!

  5. Good read and provacative points.So Martha is going public with her apostles.Does this make all my “Guy Buffet” crap graven images?

  6. Well done. I hope Mel is doing a Martha movie. Now there is some violence/torture I would pay to see.Although I doubt I could tolerate more than five minutes of that one either…Has there ever been a more annoying human? (Not even Oprah…)

  7. Next thing you know there’ll be a copy of Martha Stewart Living (the King James edition) in the nightstand of every motel room in America (outside of Utah). 

  8. This is brilliant! Send it out!! Even I, who has so little regard for cultural icons like her, now admire her. She did well in jail, didn’t she? Could I have done it with as much dignity, and with as much ingenuity? Yes, I’ll take her as a resurrected icon. Yay Martha!RYC: thanks! Buses, ah…

  9. ryc: In general I’ve been pleased with my experience.  iUniverse provided good editing, good marketing tools (but not marketing) and good online distribution.  Sales have been okay.  And it’s generated interest with traditional publishers and some literary agents.     

  10. Wow! did you come up with that yourself? That was a very creative comparison–original spin on that story! :o)
    RYC: They are not very expensive. About 6 or 7 dollars a box. I’m not sure how many are in there. They’d probably last 3 months, guessing.

  11. Oh yea, and one of Jesus’ best friends was Martha. Do you remember the Mary and Martha story where one was sitting at Jesus’ feet and the other was working in the kitchen? I can’t remember which was in the kitchen. I wonder if it was Martha. Perhaps M.S. is that Martha resurrected…. No, I’m kidding…

  12. No sneers or bible quotes? No “Martha is a fag” or whatever? Shame. When I posted excepts from the Three-Headed Gospel I was flamed so bad, my computer set on fire.
    Living in the UK, I am not much up on the story.

  13. I have a Martha rake that I rake leaves with. I love it. I love that she had that rake made for ME. I also have a Martha something else, but I don’t talk about that. Go you, go Martha! Cheers!T

  14. Excellent! I’d nominate you for Xanga-pulitzer. I love your writing and this one was no exception. Very funny too. I was never a Martha person. Living on Long Island stories spread about how she treats her neighbors and her staff (the staff gets treated even worse). I was not thrilled she ended up being turned into an example (though she may have done some shady stuff). I’m still not a fan but I feel better about her as a person and maybe, just maybe I’ll try one of her recipes.

  15. I never could stand Martha. However I think she got a raw deal and the goverment could better spend it’s (OUR) money by putting those Enron and Worldcom crooks in jail. Martha never raided anyone’s retirement accounts. 

  16. Amen, Sista!I must now go and pay homage (with prayers on hand-etched in crystal goblets) to my trusty winerack, and all its contents therein, built with love and inspiration from the One Who Knows How To Set A Table. Hallelujah! I am saved (from the mundane.)

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