WITH APOLOGIES TO LAURA JOFFE NUMEROFF

If you give a bathroom a remodel

You’ll have to call a contractor

When you tell him you want the bathroom done in one week

He will laugh hysterically

So you and your husband will decide to remodel the other bathroom first, so you’ll have a shower to use while the first bathroom gets remodeled

You’ll call the contractor again

The contractor will tell you that he can’t work on your bathroom this summer as you’d hoped, but that he can do it next week

Before you can put a shower in the downstairs bathroom, you’ll have to move the washer and dryer into the basement

So your husband will have to move his 80 tons of crap, I mean, prized possessions, out of that side of the basement

Before he can move the crap out of the basement, he will have to make space in the garage

Before he can make space in the garage, he will have to make space in the attic

When he goes up into the attic, he will find piles of baby paraphernalia you insisted on keeping after the last baby outgrew it, just in case

Your husband will glare at you as if its existence is your fault, even though he’s the one that impregnated you in the first place

He will load the minivan with the outgrown baby paraphernalia and donate it to a worthwhile, charitable organization

He will throw out a small amount of his crap, I mean, prized possessions

You will hint that perhaps the 20-odd years worth of yellowing Isaac Asimov sci-fi digest magazines and the collection of Scientific Americans that were published when dinosaurs still ruled the earth can go too, and your husband will glare at you again

At the end of the day you will be able to see the hideous orange and brown carpet on the basement floor

When you leave the basement, you will notice that the bathroom needs to be cleaned out too

And once you clean out the bathroom, you’ll have to remodel it

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32 thoughts on “

  1. Asimov Sci-Fi Digests .. I have a box of those… from some time in the 80s… and I can’t make myself get rid of them either.    Very cute.  I believe we have If You Give a Moose a Muffin … A Mouse a Cookie, and A Pig a Pancake… They’re very cute books.  You did a good spoof on ’em

  2. LMAO! That cuts so close to the bone! Of course, around here you have to exclude the garage and the basement, but yeah, I understand all the glaring and definitions of prized possessions and/or crap all too well.
    RYC: why do men use the term ‘cocksucker’ when that is the one part of their anatomy they liked sucked? I believe it stems from the fact that most men are homophobic to some degree, and while having your anatomy inhaled upon directly is enjoyable, being the one doing it to someone else is somehow degrading, gross, disgusting and dirty. Most men think two women kissing is arousing, but two guys kissing is creepy. Men are complicated creatures.As you can tell from you and your husbands differing definitions of crap and prized possessions.
    Contractors are in a word: evil. A necessary evil, but evil nonetheless. Good luck with that remodeling chore.

  3. This reminds me of a poem I once read where just asking for a shower to be fitted ended up in divorce after event tumbled into event. Can’t remember the poem, though I think it’s by Jenny Joseph.

  4. I’m laughing so hard at this!  It reminds me of remodeling projects around here.  We’re always happy with the results, but living through the process is a real challenge.  Very clever post!

  5. LOL!  So true!!  You start with a small little thing you want to do, and it ends up in a renovation in the entire house…

  6. I just gotta say…this is a great blog! Keep up the good work and swing by and give mine a read sometime.
    Tubby DeLaCroix

  7. LMAO! hahahaha. Oh those men, they just don’t understand that you CAN’T give away the baby stuff until one or both of you has been surgically sterilized or it WILL result in another pregnancy! That’s how I got my third daughter—I gave away all the baby stuff. Well, that and I did a couple of other things too!
    Best method for getting rid of “prized possessions”—I hide it for six months. If he doesn’t ask where it is, it’s out of here! Yes, I’m evil, but I live in a small house so what else can I do?
    Good luck in getting the throne room redone!

  8. IASFM is not what it was – Gardner Dozois is an awesome editor and bought a broad variety of stuff. He developed some of the greatest SF writers of the last thirty years. Sheila whatsername just buys the same touchy feely crap over and over – no new ideas, just new age preaching. Maybe somebody else is editing now, I don’t know, I let my subscription lapse a few years back … I have more Analog than Asimov’s.  Stanley Schmidt was brilliant in the ’80s; he brought us Brin, Sheffield, I dunno, lots more.  I don’t have time to read so much these days, alas…

  9. It’s a gift, you know. When you can make us laugh, albeit a nervous laugh, about bathroom remodeling and do it spoofing a favorite children’s book, that, my friend, is a gift. People with that gift should not be cleaning out a bathroom. Awesome post!

  10. LMAO, isn’t it fun!  How about and once you get the floor out you realize the old plumbing has been rigged up and it will now cost you twice as much.  And sewage begins coming out of the pipe where the shower water drained.  HELL I tell you.

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