Thanks to my dear husband, who was rather indulgent in those early days, my backyard contains six raised beds, each four foot by eight foot. Every year I grow a vegetable garden. Well, I should say I PLANT a vegetable garden. Grow is the wrong word for what it’s doing this year.

In all other years I’ve grown a huge crop of snap peas. This year the vines turned brown before producing much of anything. In other years I’ve grown feathery green patches with long, sweet carrots hiding under the ground. This year the weeds ate the patch before I’d even turned my back on the seeds.

Even the zucchini—the zucchini! is doing poorly. Instead of sizing up like they are supposed to, the fruits grow fat on one end and rot on the other. Does anyone know what causes this? It is a sad garden indeed that can’t produce a decent zucchini or 80.

The only things that’re doing well are the cucumbers. Thank god for cucumbers.

You might be thinking, “Well, Jodi, you’ve been neglectful. You went and got a job and picked up more freelance gigs and let your garden go to hell. You hardly ever fertilize; it’s a wonder you feed the kids. You didn’t test the soil to see what nutrients it lacked. You didn’t add enough compost and other amendments. And let’s face it, you went out there and hurled a bunch of seeds at the beds and ran the other way. What did you expect?”

Ok, that’s not a bad argument. But it’s not the problem either.

See, I think I offended Priapus.

That’s him, the Roman god of gardens and fertility. Priapus is one big dude. In fact, the word “priapsis,” which is what happens when teenaged boys take Viagra to see what will happen, is based on his name.

There he is again, weighing his mighty member. I guess size DOES matter.

I’m not sure what I did to offend Priapus, but he must be really pissed off to make my garden so pathetic. I figure the bumper crop of big, long cucumbers is his personal message to me. Don’t fuck with the gods.


27 thoughts on “

  1. Try burying a statue of Priapus in the garden. Of course, if the garden grows, I think you’ll be expected to find a place of honor for him in the house. Good luck with that; even though your Priapus is much better looking than the description of a short, fat ugly dude with a huge phallus. Talk about trade-offs

  2. Yes – that’s a good idea above… buy a statue of the well-endowed Roman and place it in the garden. Then make offerings to him each day. What else could anyone be expected to do?Great blog. That was fun.

  3. Like the Sahara over here, but the zucchini are bigger than… bigger than… They are BIG!(if only they would marinate themselves in olive oil, garlic s&p, while still on the vine…)
    P.S. I’m just impressed that you remembered my doggy’s name!

  4. I’m always a good teen. I have never done anything with a guy other than kissing, never lied about where I am or when I’ll be home, never lied about what I’m doing, never gotten a B (or worse) in high school, given him plenty of junk to brag about (Governor’s Honors, most recently), never disobeyed him, and never cursed him. I do my own laundry and clean my room whenever he asks. I will get some good scholarships to a good college. What else could a parent ask for?

  5. It’s not your fault about the garden. This just has been an extremely hot summer (unless you live in Oregon or something). I’m a flower gardener and everything went wrong this year. The rose bushes bloomed in June and then went into stasis when we had such a drought through the rest of the summer. We’ve only had two thunderstorms in the last two days, hardly enough to make up for the extreme heat and lack of rain. I’ve been out there watering, and putting down plant food, but nothing has been working. Usuallly I get oodles of roses and seven-foot tall rose canes. This year, nothing.Except for the cleome. Thank god for that stuff. It’s very elegant and lacy looking and really makes it look as if I have a real garden. But the echinacea, which are supposed to be good in extreme conditions, are all droopy and sad looking. Not a good year.And it hasn’t been a good season for freelance work, either, so I guess I’m in worse shape than you. I think I offended more than that big-membered dude!Lynn

  6. i’m a social worker and i work in mental health.  priapism is a side effect that sometimes occurs with psychotropic drugs and i’ve heard it’s painful.  sometimes it lasts for days, though.  it is also a side effect of smoking crack.  i can’t help but think it is funny, though.  i’ve got a bad green thumb and i kill everything, but good luck with your garden.

  7. Hey, I need a Priapus lawn ornament! Bet that’d really piss off the neighbors!!! I could put it next to that lawn ornament that is the lady bending over! Or go for a homoerotic theme by surrounding my Priapus lawn ornament with a bunch of garden gnomes!
    My Dad’s garden used to always do the same thing. One kind of vegetable would thrive into a bumper crop, all others would die. One year would be The Year of the Radish.  Next year would be The Year of the Carrot. It was weird!

  8. Perhaps your arugment is not with Priapus, but with “The Goddess”, the nurturing female. . .sounds like your schedule is just too full to accomidate much gardening fun!  Good luck in the contest!~K.K.

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