This just in here at Xanga News, Inc.
…Rep. Tom DeLay is again under indictment, this time on a charge of money laundering. A conviction carries a possible sentence of life in prison. Upon hearing the news, DeLay finally cracked. The men in white suits dragged him forcibly from the Capitol building, where witnesses heard him singing “We Shall Overrule.” Just before the doors of the paddy wagon closed, the tune changed to “It’s My (Grand Old) Party and I’ll Gerrymander If I Want To.”
…President Bush pissed off his base by nominating Harriet Miers as Supreme Court Justice. Never having been a judge before, Miers’ judicial behavior is uncertain. Right-wing lobbyist Tex Draconian told our Xanga reporter, “We elected him and he owes us! Not only did he promise to eliminate reproductive freedom, he also promised to turn back the clock on other atrocities wrought by liberal judicial activism, like all that civil rights nonsense. If the Framers of the Constitution had meant for Negro people to vote, they would’ve spelled it out.”
…We have a new winner in the “Too Stupid to be Allowed to Speak in Public” category! First Mom Barbara Bush loses her trophy to former Education Secretary and Virtue-Maven William Bennett, who said that exterminating black citizens would eliminate crime in the U.S.* On national television. Congratulations, Bill!
*Yes I know that’s not what he said, but that’s how it sounded, which is why it was so stupid, see?
Your faithful Xanga News reporter, T_R, signing off.