To: Northwest Airlines Baggage Handlers
From: Transvestite Rabbit
I hope you don’t mind
my use of your first name, but I figure once a guy has rifled through my
underwear we’re on familiar terms. I
appreciated the note you left in my suitcase on my trip out… you know, the one
that explains that you broke into and damaged my suitcase in the interests of
national security, and that you deeply regret that necessity, but what are you
I also appreciated the note you left in my no-longer-locked
suitcase on my return journey. This is
what it said:
Dear Transvestite Rabbit,
Jeez, I went through your bag twice
and still didn’t find nuthin’ worth stealing, um, I mean, any incendiary
devices. In the future, please pack
something more interesting.
Frank the Baggage Handler
The truth is, Frank, I put my wallet, my camera, my iPod,
and my laptop in the backpack I hauled on the plane with me. Yes, it was heavy, thank you for asking. But there’s not even the remotest chance I
would put anything that cost more than 12.99 at Target into a checked bag,
because you and your coworkers are thieves and scoundrels.
And Frank, when you’re done with my undies, could you please
send them back? Actually, never
mind. You can keep them.