To: Northwest Airlines Baggage Handlers
From: Transvestite Rabbit

Dear Frank,

I hope you don’t  mind
my use of your first name, but I figure once a guy has rifled through my
underwear we’re on familiar terms.  I
appreciated the note you left in my suitcase on my trip out… you know, the one
that explains that you broke into and damaged my suitcase in the interests of
national security, and that you deeply regret that necessity, but what are you
gonna do? 

I also appreciated the note you left in my no-longer-locked
suitcase on my return journey.  This is
what it said:

 Dear Transvestite Rabbit,

 Jeez, I went through your bag twice
and still didn’t find nuthin’ worth stealing, um, I mean, any incendiary
devices.  In the future, please pack
something more interesting.

 Your friend,

 Frank the Baggage Handler

The truth is, Frank, I put my wallet, my camera, my iPod,
and my laptop in the backpack I hauled on the plane with me.  Yes, it was heavy, thank you for asking.  But there’s not even the remotest chance I
would put anything that cost more than 12.99 at Target into a checked bag,
because you and your coworkers are thieves and scoundrels. 

And Frank, when you’re done with my undies, could you please
send them back?  Actually, never
mind.  You can keep them.

Sincerely,

Transvestite Rabbit

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19 thoughts on “

  1. I wish I still had the back and forth communication from the AA Customer “Service” guy explaining the list of items , “not covered if lost.” But let me break it down for you this way…if your bag has old, non-vintage, inexpensive, practical clothing in it, and those it get lost, they ostensibly might pay you replacement costs. Anything else is on that list mentioned above, and believe me when I say it is complete and detailed.
    Fucking shit devils.

  2. Great post!! And right on target!! I wonder how many people will attest to losing something in luggage that we are no longer allowed to lock in the name of National Security! And like you, I always lug around in my carry on baggage anything of value.I had a great trick years ago for protecting my luggage (better even than using those little easily pick-able suitcase locks). I used to carry some of those small plastic electrical ties along with me. I’d run them through the zipper openings on my luggage and lock them together. The only way to get them off was to cut them off. (I’d have to remember to carry a set of fingernail clippers or small scissors to cut them off when I reached my destination). It was an easy way to tell if someone had violated your privacy. Now, not only are we not allowed to privatize our luggage, but we’re not allowed to carry the clippers or scissors along with us! But at least we don’t have to put up with fingernail clipper carrying terrorists!!

  3. I too have heard of using zip ties to “lock” the zipper tabs together.  I bought the TSA-approved suitcase locks, though, so they can open and re-close them when they decide my underwear are worth perusing.  I find the note they leave amusing. 

  4. Thank you for reminding me again that I will never never never ever fly on an airplane again.  If I am ever forced to, I’ll buy my clothes when I get to my destination.  creepy creepy creepy

  5. Locking your suitcase will only get you broken baggage these days. 
    If you have any underwear left from that trip, I suggest you wash it in scalding hot water…

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