TRANSVESTITE RABBIT STREAKS
Remember that fad in the 80’s, where people ran naked across
the field at major sporting events?
Well, that’s not my thing.
Futzing with my hair is not my thing either. Nevertheless, I put in an appearance for my
annual hair cut today.
“What did you want to do?” asked Renee, the stylist with the
spiky, multi-colored ‘do.
“I don’t know. It’s
too long, frizzy, split ends…I don’t know, help me!”
She laid out a very reasonable plan involving cutting it to
just below my shoulders, adding some layers, and tapering it a bit in
I took a deep breath.
“I’m thinking about getting it streaked.”
(Important note: since I WAS thinking about that, I went to
the real (read that: high priced) salon instead of Quick and Cheap Haircuts, as
I might otherwise have done. Mainly
because I figured if I got my hair colored at Quick and Cheap, Carey would fly
out here just to kick my ass.)
Renee expressed delight with that notion, telling me it
would look beautiful. We consulted the clock
and determined that we had just enough time to accomplish the procedure before
I had to go pick up the chicklets from camp.
I was taken into the Inner Sanctum known as “The Color
Room.” It’s a brightly lit area
containing swivel chairs and many magazines, every one of which discusses the
lives of celebrities in embarrassing detail.
Renee disappeared for a few minutes and returned with two
bowls of goop. She spent about half an
hour painting the goop on my hair and wrapping it in rectangular foil packets. I spent the time flipping through More Than You Want To Know magazine, and
learned the sad tale of Kate Bosworth, currently starring in the new Superman
movie as Lois Lane,
or, as the magazine cattily called her, Lois Lean.
Here’s Kate a few years ago, looking buffed for her role in Blue Crush.
And here she is now.
Renee then left me to absorb chemicals for another half hour. I opened another magazine and discovered that
Britney feels very guilty for dropping her baby on his head.
Finally I was moved to the sink room, where I leaned my head
back and Sherry, Renee’s capable assistant, washed the goop out of my hair
while explaining at great length that she was a hairdresser because she wasn’t
smart enough to be a P.E. teacher, and that she’d wanted to be a P.E. teacher
because she wanted to work on an ocean liner.
I didn’t quite follow that part.
Finally we moved on to the haircutting phase, where I got my
first look at my newly streaky hair. I
have to say, it looks pretty good, as does the haircut Renee planned and
executed. I’ll have to do it again next
Lest you think I spent my whole afternoon engaged in
frivolous cosmetic pursuits, I want you to know I did something else I’d never
done before today: got a mammogram. You
all may now thank the deity of your choice that I didn’t blog about THAT
All right, ALL RIGHT. Streaks.
Sorry about the background. Doesn’t Technogeek have nice shirts?