you do not cease and desist, I swear I am going to close my eyes, stick
my fingers in my ears, and chant “la la la” every time I read or hear
the words “Anna Nicole.”
No, I DO NOT want to “start off with a Cinnamon Dolce Latte.” What marketing genius told you all to say “start off with,” as if a latte was an appetizer for my main drink? I’m ok with “thank you for choosing Starbucks,” because I did, after all. I don’t mind when you ask if I’d like a pastry to go with my mocha, even though I don’t. But it irks the heck out of me when you tell me what you think I should order before I even open my mouth. My favorite phrase is “what can I get you?” Please use it.
Dear President Bush,
Why can’t you be more like that nice boy across the water, Tony Blair?
Dear Women Over 60 Driving Oldsmobiles,
It is acceptable, common, and even desirable, to pull all the way up to the white line while waiting at a red light. Sitting
50 feet back only annoys the person behind you, because that’s 50 more
feet to travel before she can get to Starbucks, where she will not
order a Cinnamon Dolce Latte.
Dear U.S. Border Agent,
Thank you for not searching our vehicle when we returned from Canada. We didn’t tell you the whole truth when you asked what we’d bought from our neighbors to the north. In addition to the souvenir shirts my husband admitted to, we also purchased two knit caps with ear flaps. I feel lucky we got away with it.
Dear Gap Stores,
get me wrong… I appreciate the fact that you are selling “Product Red”
items, and donating a portion of the proceeds from those sales to
combat AIDS in developing countries. And I intended to buy one of those things, because I think retail philanthropy is groovy. But
your Product Red shirts appear to be constructed of tissue paper, and
the adult size medium shirts are cut so short and narrow that they
would barely fit my skinny six-year-old. Even the extra-large would not quite cover me. Also,
the faux-distressed styling makes the shirts so ragged right off the
rack that I couldn’t wear one to my extremely casual workplace, even if
I could squeeze into it. All for $38.99. So I’ll just donate the 40 bucks to the Global AIDS Fund and call it good, ok?
Your rap video is to die for.