Dear Media,

 

If
you do not cease and desist, I swear I am going to close my eyes, stick
my fingers in my ears, and chant “la la la” every time I read or hear
the words “Anna Nicole.” 


 

 

Dear Starbucks,

 

No, I DO NOT  want to “start off with a Cinnamon Dolce Latte.”  What marketing genius told you all to say “start off with,” as if a latte was an appetizer for my main drink?  I’m ok with “thank you for choosing Starbucks,” because I did, after all.  I don’t mind when you ask if I’d like a pastry to go with my mocha, even though I don’t.  But it irks the heck out of me when you tell me what you think I should order before I even open my mouth.  My favorite phrase is “what can I get you?”  Please use it.


 

 

Dear President Bush,

 

Why can’t you be more like that nice boy across the water, Tony Blair? 


 

 

Dear Women Over 60 Driving Oldsmobiles,

 

It is acceptable, common, and even desirable, to pull all the way up to the white line while waiting at a red light.  Sitting
50 feet back only annoys the person behind you, because that’s 50 more
feet to travel before she can get to Starbucks, where she will not
order a Cinnamon Dolce Latte.


 

 

Dear U.S. Border Agent,

 

Thank you for not searching our vehicle when we returned from Canada.  We didn’t tell you the whole truth when you asked what we’d bought from our neighbors to the north.  In addition to the souvenir shirts my husband admitted to, we also purchased two knit caps with ear flaps.  I feel lucky we got away with it.


 

 

Dear Gap Stores,

 

Don’t
get me wrong… I appreciate the fact that you are selling “Product Red”
items, and donating a portion of the proceeds from those sales to
combat AIDS in developing countries.  And I intended to buy one of those things, because I think retail philanthropy is groovy.  But
your Product Red shirts appear to be constructed of tissue paper, and
the adult size medium shirts are cut so short and narrow that they
would barely fit my skinny six-year-old.  Even the extra-large would not quite cover me.   Also,
the faux-distressed styling makes the shirts so ragged right off the
rack that I couldn’t wear one to my extremely casual workplace, even if
I could squeeze into it.  All for $38.99.  So I’ll just donate the 40 bucks to the Global AIDS Fund and call it good, ok?


 

Dear Mark,

 

Your rap video is to die for. 


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28 thoughts on “

  1. LMAO! – Oh I love it when people just tell it like it is..  And donating straight to the AIDs cause is a much better idea than wearing a piece of tight tissue paper in their honor..
    ~

  2. There is local restaurant that serves Cinnabon cheescake and we like to go there for dessert. I often like to “start off with” a Death by Chocolate, however, before I have my main dessert.
    Thanks for the plug

  3. great post jodi, thanks!!  i did get a charge out of the rap video also, thanks for the link!  your humor and opinions are so right on target, I always feel better when I get my self HERE and spend some sane time “with you”
    have a good one
    D

  4. Appreciate the humor–it’s as good as grammys cookie recipe!Surely a talking Gecko or AFLACK duck would fit in someplace?I’m hopeing you had a pleasant jaunt Northward?Peace and big smiles for the entire hutch.

  5. Glad you’re back and hope all enjoyed the vacation.  I’m sure Starbucks would welcome your comments on their web site.  I doubt that dippy Prez W would though….he’d have no idea what you’re talking about.

  6. Dear TRANSVESTITE RABBIT :Thank you for your letters. Your concerns are important to us. Our friendly and expedient Customer Service Dept. has processed your claims and will likely get around to thinking about handling them in the immediate decade, barring unforeseen delays.Hey, by the way, while we’re at it, might we interest you in a “Project Green” shirt? The way it works is, in exchange for just $38.99 of your hard-earned dollars (plus tax, license and dealer fees), a portion of which will benefit the very worthy cause of our very own Payroll Dept., you get a very nice shit. How does that sound? Oops, sorry, we meant “shirt.”Thanks again for your continued support in these trying times.Warmest Possible Regards Possible,Customer Service

  7. RYC: That mouth watering guy is Antonio Banderas. Love your blog entry, it’s the little things that niggle us the most, huh? Thanks for stopping by my page and have a great weekend.

  8. Dear TR,
    While you are addressing the LOL (little old ladies) could you please address the GHOG (grey haired old guys) who feel the need to go 20 mph no matter what the posted speed limit is? I’d do it, but you have a much better PPA (people person attitude). I have a tendency to swear, which forces people to tune me out.

  9. No one ever greets me when I go to Starbucks. They just look at me and expect me to place my order. I think that from now on I will glare back at them until they happily ask “What can I get you?”

  10. I love your name and the profile pic is very cute.RYC: Oh yeah, polly AND sparkle wants a telephoto lens. The telephoto is next. I didn’t have enough cash to get both so I went with the smaller and cheaper one.*sparkle

  11. yes,  at least McDonald’s asks,  “Do you want fries with that?  or an apple pie?”  THAT’s bad enough,  If I wanted apple pie,  I would ORDER it!  Especially since I ordered a cinnamon roll,  WHY would I want an apple pie with it?  DUH!
    I’m glad you didn’t mention the bloody chainsaw to the border agent,  WHEW!
    GAP,  Ambercrombie,  Hollister,  ALL their t-shirts are made out of tissue paper for Barbies!
    RYC:  yes Chris is Awesome,  you should give him a listen,  AND he is easy on the eyes!  🙂

  12. Amen to all of this.  I’ve been particularly frustrated that so much of the regularly scheduled Anna Nicole coverage has been pre-empted by news about Britney shaving her head and chasing the paparazzi with an umbrella.
    Next time you come back across the border, hide the extra booty in a box of maxi-pads.  It was my mother’s idea, and it worked well coming back from Mexico.  Anybody want some Kahlua?

  13. Dear People with Short Cars,Please do not park your teensy weensy car clear at the front of your space, especially at WalMart.  From a few spaces back, it makes the space look empty, and it is only after I am halfway pulled into the space that I realize that your two-foot car and my mini-van cannot peacefully cohabit the space, which makes me look like an idiot as I pull back out.Honesty, if you’re driving a teeny tiny car, it probably means that you don’t have kids, you’re not here to buy a week’s worth of food, and you should be shlepping across the barren plains we call the parking lot…leaving this space for me.Please?

  14. I read your comment on Trotta109’s site regarding your concern that my ego might expand to the point at which my head might explode as a result of the “fan club”. I want you to know that I’m appalled that you would think such as thing. I’m the same, truly humble person I’ve always been and you may order 8″ x 10″ glossys directly from my fan club web site;  http://www.marklabouffisasexgod.com.

  15. Dear TR,
    May we add a CD or a gift card to your purchase? We have an ecclectic collection of powerful new world music next to the gift sets and breath mints. Love, Starbucks

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