If one is at a coffee shop in
the afternoon drinking large amounts of the house drip while working on one’s
pet book project, and one finds that one starts over-using, perhaps even abusing,
the bold button and other stylistic fripperies, and the enormous list of largely unreadable fonts, and one’s sentences become long and unwieldy and
poorly punctuated (because who can punctuate so many clauses?), should one
assume that one has had enough, or maybe even an excessive amount of coffee?
EVEN MORE IMPORTANT QUESTION
Still coffee-fueled, I walked
the mile to the local drug emporium to a. exercise myself; and b. purchase a
clear plastic report cover with a colorful slidey bar for Tigger’s science
project. I walked fast because it was
getting late-ish and dark-ish, so when I got there I was out of breath.
Before I got to the door, I
was blocked by two Christians of unknown denomination, dressed in identical
starched white shirts, black pants, carefully placed name-tags, and
super-clean-cut hair. The taller of the
two thrust a paper at me, bearing the officially approved white Anglo-Saxon
image of Jesus.
“Have you seen this picture
of the savior?” he asked me.
Here’s where I need help,
people. Since I was in a hurry and out
of breath, I just raised my arms protectively and sidled around them as if they
were disease-ridden vermin. But what I
wanted to do was say some clever-yet-civil version of “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM
Because the practice of
proselytizing total strangers irritates the crap out of me (honestly, at least
get to know me before you inform me that I’m going to hell), I can never come
up with something witty in the heat of the moment. I need a pat phrase I can whip out at the
In the past I’ve said something
like, “I’m Jewish. We’re God’s Chosen
People, so I don’t need to be saved.”
But that a. isn’t witty; b. isn’t exactly true; and c. potentially
invites further discourse, which is not the effect I’m after.