UPPER CRUST

 

Yesterday I visited my Primary Care Physician for reasons I won’t go into because even though I regularly spill my figurative innards on this public forum so you can either read about them or move on to something mORe SutED 2 uR intRests, I don’t actually know you people.  In fact, I don’t believe a word you write.

 

For all I know, Ed_Kaz might be a 30-something red-headed woman named Clarissa or Courtney; prairiecowboy is really a New York hipster sitting in a trendy coffee-and-wine bar making stuff up and posting farm pictures crabbed off of google; and Bad_Dogma is a bible-thumping, football-watching insurance salesman from Sheboygan.  Wait, I actually do know him.  At least I think I do.

 

That’s why I won’t tell you about my doctor visit, except for the parts I’m going to tell you about.  First I want to brag about my blood pressure: 100 over 60.  Nurses always get excited about my blood pressure.  And my resting pulse rate was 58.  “I can tell you exercise!” she said. 

 

Shut up, I haven’t published anything in a while and I need to be proud of something, ok?

 

When the doc came in I dealt with the health issue at hand and then whined about my fatigue.  “I’m just tired all the time,” I sniveled.  “Like I just want to lie down under my desk and take a nap.”

 

She asked me some probing questions about my lifestyle—two probing questions at least—and concluded that I should sleep more.

 

Now I ask you, what kind of cockamamie advice is that for a doctor to give a patient in need? 

 

I weakly suggested that perhaps I suffer from anemia.  I couldn’t come right out and ask for uppers, could I?  She didn’t offer me any either.

 

Today the nurse left a chirpy message on my answering machine: my blood work came back a-ok.  I don’t even get any maximum he-man strength iron pills for my trouble.  Instead of getting up for a morning doctor appointment yesterday, I should’ve stayed in bed.

 

You may be looking at the time stamp on this post and wondering, as my doctor did, why I’m still up if I’m so tired.  Don’t ask stupid questions!  Who can go to bed when there are blogs to read, blogs to write, endless sources of news reports over which to obsess, an episode of Scrubs that I recorded, and a novel I’m in the middle of, about a missionary who is not what he appears to be.  Much like you all.

 


 

Then there’s this grocery store in Manhattan that advertised ham–for Chanukah.  Another imposter.  Anyone who claims to live in New York City and doesn’t know that Jews only eat pork if it’s been disguised as something else, you know, like bacon, is obviously lying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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16 thoughts on “UPPER CRUST

  1. I would say that you’re a night person and that is the time of day that you should be working. Do you work outside the home? Anyway, no matter…you’re internal clock means that you should be sleeping into the day and staying up at night. Perhaps you were born at night or late afternoon.

  2. NAH! Forget sleep!  Like I always say, we can sleep when we’re dead.
    Indeed, the ham thing took place just down the street, and I thought of you. Believe half of what you see, and none of what you read. Get some rest, friend!

  3. That sounds a lot like every one of my doctor visits. Did she tell you it’s because you’re stressed? Every doctor wants to blow me off for stress.Many don’t know this, especially doctors (I’ve concluded they’re all dumb and lazy and know they’re in demand and will continue to be lazy as long as people get sick), but if you feel you aren’t getting enough iron (particularly if you are active and do work out, as iron is needed for energy and muscle development) you should try and increase your Vitamin C. Your body needs Vitamin C to process, absorb and metabolize the iron you do consume, and without it you’re only actually getting about 1/3 of what you eat/take. I had anemia and gestational diabetes with my first pregnancy and there’s not much you can do when you’re pregnant. Except research. You may want to invest in one of those “natural” lights, during the winter when the sun is further away, we don’t get that “boost” from the sun like we do in the summer and I’ve read those lights really do make a difference…. but I could just be a 45 year old 300lb video game addict named Dwight that lives in his parents’ basement. 😉

  4. My bacoradar has detected an obvious slam on kosher bacon lovers everywhere.   I demand that TR publish a public apology for this grievous insult.   And BTW, Bad_Dogma has never thumped a bible in his life.  You are obviously light headed from lack of sleep or something.

  5. No, I’m George W. Bush.  And I approve this message:
    America needs more people who are willing to go to bed early.
    I too have excellent blood pressure.  Everyone just gushes about it. 

  6. ha ha ha about the ham.I have one up on you, my blood pressure is great too AND I’m fat, my nurses are more shocked than gushing, they expect something else.But that could be a lie and I could be a high colesterol/blood pressure anorexic, nut job for all you know.

  7. I am a nut job.  Go to BED!  I know yer type.  Wait for the kids to go to bed so you can watch the TV show that’s not appropriate for them, then finish up making lunches and prep for the morning, then doa  little blogging.(OK a lot)  Bu the kids are getting older and they go to bed later and later, so you are up a little later, and the moring comes earlier with clubs and meeting the kids friends etc.  You lose an hour of sleep on each end, and all of a sudden you are sleeping 4 & 1/2 hours a night and wondeing why you’re tired.   Of course it could be that you just didn’t say the right things to the doctor.  Mine gave me ritalin when I complained.

    Or maybe it was all a dream….

  8. You are just like me.  I know that’s the last thing you ever want to hear, but, alas, it is true.  I’m always tired.  I’m a night person.  I’ve had my days and nights mixed up since I was born.  Since we don’t sleep at night, and everyone else who slept all night are up early making all kinds of noise, we don’t get any day sleep either.  So, we are always tired.  We resent being tired, and we resent day people generally, so we are stressed.

  9. OMG!!!! LOL!!!!! all these comments are soooo entertaining…I will be coming back to check out who else has left some interesting comments…..muhahaha……
    Seriously, have you had your thyroid checked? I am the master on knowledge of the T*H*Y*R*O*I*D!!!!! You may need a complete thyroid profile workup done…it’s amazing how much that tiny gland controls….I no longer have mine and have to rely on replacement therapy to live…..I know the extremes of both hyper and hypo thyroidism…either one suck!!!! And can potentially kill you……AND it’s sneaky!!!!! well enough on that…it’s just a suggestion…sometimes they tell you the tested your level…but they really have not done a thorough work-up and assessed the function…it can cause you to sleep alot or not at all……ok ’nuff said
    BTW….I am really a rodeo clown that became famous when Steven King asked me to star in one of his movies…can you guess which one IT was??????????????

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