[Inappropriate content deleted]
A few hours later I had to give up my self-conception as a person in good health, because I became ill with one of those spectrum viruses. Cosmic joke?
That’s how I came to be sniffling and sneezing at home today, and reading my junk mail.
First I opened my Amazon reward certificate, earned by spending way too much money on my Amazon credit card. 25 bucks to blow on CDs! Somebody recommend something, please.
Next I found a card good for a free panty from Victoria’s Secret. But it’s one of the cheap cotton ones with an uncovered elastic band. I hate those. Sorry VS and your buxom, shiny models.
A strangely threatening letter from my dentist followed. It complains that I have not responded to their reminder cards to schedule an appointment for “dental treatments needed to help prevent progression of dental diseases.” It continues “If we do not hear from you by one month from the date of this letter we will consider our service relationship discontinued and will put your records on inactive status.” Jeez! I just took my kids in there last week for their check-ups. You’d think that would buy me some good will, even though I’m overdue for mine. I don’t need this kind of pressure.
Finally, a brochure caught my attention. The front reads, “Life’s too short to clean your own house.” Ain’t that the truth! Inside, a picture of two smiling women in matching blue shirts and aprons promise to make my house sparkle with their “Detail clean rotation system.” In fact, I would love to have the Cleaning Authority come out and detail clean my house in a rotating manner. But every time I’ve engaged cleaning help in the past they
- Don’t show up
- Do a lousy job, or
- Steal stuff
So I’m glaring at those smiling women suspiciously, wondering which fault will be theirs. And into the recycle bin goes the brochure.
I’m now feeling paranoid and depressed, and therefore mentally ill. Must be time to self-medicate. Where’s my damn wine?