I ATE PLASTIC

Ack!  Just read that the Nestle Corp (aka RAMJAC) is recalling Lean Cuisine frozen chicken entrees, because they may be contaminated by bits of hard plastic.  The recall includes this product, which I ate for lunch yesterday.

Note: the label says “no preservatives.”  Nowhere does it claim to have “no contaminants.”

And I don’t even eat Lean Cuisines, usually.  I buy them for my kids, who like to have hot food for lunch without eating Scary School Food.  But neither one of them wanted this particular entree, and now I know why.  It had plastic in it!  Well, if one of us had to ingest a bunch of (probably toxic!) bits of plastic, I’m glad it was me and not one of them.  That’s the kind of sacrifice we moms routinely make.

Remember when we were supposed to be boycotting Nestle because they used their marketing mojo to convince women in third world countries to feed their babies on Nestle formula instead of breastfeeding, and then babies got sick because they didn’t have any clean water to mix the powdered formula with?  (I know, I should’ve said “with which to mix the powdered formula,” but I didn’t, so boycott me.)  Now they will probably send all the recalled, plastic-infested Lean Cuisines to those countries instead, because that’s the kind of evil bastards they are.  By reputation, anyway.  I’ma throw away all the remaining Nestle Crunch bars in the kids’ Halloween candy stash.  Ah, who am I kidding?  I already ate them.

In other bad news, yesterday I got a self-addressed stamped envelope in the mail.  Those of you who are writers will know what that means.  For the rest of you, I’ll translate.  It means there’s a letter inside that reads:

Dear Author,

You suck.  We are sorry we can’t tell you that you suck in a more personalized way, but we get so many submissions from authors who suck that we had to create this form letter to tell them so. 

Cheers!
The Publisher you foolishly submitted your work to.
(We know, we should’ve said “to whom you foolishly submitted your work,” or even “to whom you submitted your work, foolishly,” but we didn’t, so boycott us.  Hahahaha!)

But not to worry, readers!  I will be submitting that manuscript, foolishly, to more publishers.  Just as soon as I get out of the hospital after they remove the plastic from my intestines.

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13 thoughts on “I ATE PLASTIC

  1. mmmmmm…Lean Cuisine Mediterranean Plastic, with a side of Rubber Au Gratin.  You’re surprised (asks the food freak)?  We threw our Nestle Crunch bars away, but not because we are boycotting them.  Because 1) if you’re going to eat chocolate, eat chocolate that tastes good; and 2) they are full of gluten.  Ick.  Scary School Food…wonder if there’s plastic in it?  Probably.I’m so sorry about the SASE.  You don’t suck.  Your writing is very entertaining.  I love your stories and your regular blogs.  Sooner or later someone will actually read your manuscript, and publish it for you, and you will get rich and famous and never come here anymore and I will always wonder what happened.

  2. Your father and I pretty much live on Lean Cuisine.  We haven’t injested any plastic yet, at least none that we know about.  The tone of your blog is a trifle *manic* today!  You haven’t been washing cold pills down with wine…have you?

  3. When you’re a famous author, this will be perfect for one of those amusing anecdotes you’ll need for your appearance on David Letterman (or Conan).  So just keep on sending out those queries.  Good luck. 

  4. Re your previous post – I still think it’s strange to have a rabbit for a pet. I think I need to see it in real life before it really makes sense to me. Dogs, yes. Cats, yes (but why?). Parakeets, yup, turtles, I guess… Rabbits? Really? Outside of a cage? Hopping around the living room? It’s so DIFFERENT and CONFUSING!  (-:I used to eat lean cuisine at school (grad, that is).  I hope I never ate any plastic because I rarely know anything about recalls.Sorry about the letter.  I hate being rejected so I rarely try anything I that I’m not sure I’ll succeed in (ooh, I get to join in being boycotted!).  This is lazy and wimpy, I know, but a consistent part of my personality that I’m not sure if I have any desire to change.

  5. Did you know if you eat seafood, you’re probably eating plastic as well?  Those little microbeads they put it in all the body washes and facial scrubs are itty bitty plastic balls, and they wash down the drain and eventually into the sea where they’re eaten by shrimp and then by whatever eats shrimp.  Thank you for reminding me to boycott Nestle — I remember doing that in high school, but I guess I forgot why because I just ate a fun sized Crunch bar on the way home.  Also, I am the grammar fairy and I permit you to end your sentences with prepositions without fear of repercussion.  It’s like wearing white after Labor Day.  Totally fine nowadays as long as you don’t go overboard.

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