Every morning I watch the history channel while I work out on the cardio machine du jour at the gym.
(Oh, how I wish that statement were still true. But here in this desolate world, nothing that is good and pure can be allowed to stand. And so it is at my gym, which ditched its full digital cable lineup, and left me with public access drones, local news and weather, and god-knows-how-many sports channels. No. History.)
But the statement was still true the day I realized that Ronald McDonald was the antichrist.
According to the history channel documentary I watched that day, the modern concept of the antichrist was invented in the 19th century by some dude, and became increasingly popular through the 20th century. I just now read the Wikipedia article about the antichrist, which tells a completely different tale. I’m not prepared to argue for one version or the other. Don’t know, don’t care.
Just when I was expecting the documentary to start talking about how the crazy Christians think that Obama is the antichrist, I realized that the show I was watching featured Ted Haggard, the former head muckety-muck of the Colorado mega-church, expounding away. So the producers had probably never heard of Obama, since Ted got booted out for gay cowboy sex and meth use in 2006. (I am all about Wikipedia today!)
Too bad, because now, one third of conservative voters believe that Obama is the antichrist. Well, conservative voters in New Jersey, anyway. Are New Jersey Christians crazier than the ones in other states?
The program explained that the antichrist would be a popular figure, beloved by all, who would use whatever methods were available to him (no one ever seems to think the antichrist will be a woman. Can’t women be bad? Hello, Eve?) to acquire worldwide power, and then use that power to wreak havoc and destruction. When the first chain stores (like, I don’t know, the A & P, or Sears) began to appear around the country, some people got all freaked, thinking that the centralized economic power of such large corporations must be controlled by you-know-who.
Let me tell you, those people were on to something.
It’s like this: the fast food industry consists of enormous, multi-national conglomerates with so much political and purchasing power that they don’t just affect but outright control large swaths of the food-production systems in the U.S.
As a result, we have food that is not so much grown as manufactured by companies like ConAgra and Monsanto—and I may regret typing that name because those bastards might come after me. The food that appears to be relatively “natural” isn’t much better, because it is all infested with pesticides, chemical fertilizers, antibiotics, hormones, and feces. Yes, feces. If you read Fast Food Nation, you will never want a quarter-pounder again. But don’t say so on TV, because the beef industry will sue you under the “food disparagement” law. Don’t believe me? They sued Oprah for saying, on her show, that she no longer wanted to eat hamburgers due to the mad-cow risk that was entirely the fault of the industry and its revolting practice of feeding the offal from cattle to other cattle.
Even your veggies may be infested with feces, because the meat industry produces tons and tons and tons of animal waste, which they dispose of by dumping it into gigantic, festering lagoons and allowing it to wash into the water supply. Ever wonder how all that spinach got contaminated with e coli? That’s how.
I could go on and on, but I’ll get to the point. The fast food industry, personified by the popular, loveable Ronald McDonald, holds worldwide power and uses it to wreak havoc and destruction. What could be more destructive than effing up our food supply? Even if you never set foot under the golden arches, your diet has still been ruined by fast food. Ronald is the antichrist!
See, it is not Obama. Nor is Obama the messiah that is going to save us from the bad, bad clown. As far as I know, food safety is not even on his agenda, even though it is so clearly related to health issues. If Obama grew a spine and reversed all the Reagan-era, anti-consumer, pro-greed-driven-business laws and re-regulated food production, especially the meat industry, well, he would be a savior indeed.
That’s not going to happen, friends. You will have to save yourselves.