Ronald McDonald Is the Antichrist

Every morning I watch the history channel while I work out on the cardio machine du jour at the gym.

 

(Oh, how I wish that statement were still true.  But here in this desolate world, nothing that is good and pure can be allowed to stand.  And so it is at my gym, which ditched its full digital cable lineup, and left me with public access drones, local news and weather, and god-knows-how-many sports channels.  No. History.)

 

But the statement was still true the day I realized that Ronald McDonald was the antichrist.

 

According to the history channel documentary I watched that day, the modern concept of the antichrist was invented in the 19th century by some dude, and became increasingly popular through the 20th century.  I just now read the Wikipedia article about the antichrist, which tells a completely different tale.  I’m not prepared to argue for one version or the other.  Don’t know, don’t care.

 

Just when I was expecting the documentary to start talking about how the crazy Christians think that Obama is the antichrist, I realized that the show I was watching featured Ted Haggard, the former head muckety-muck of the Colorado mega-church, expounding away.  So the producers had probably never heard of Obama, since Ted got booted out for gay cowboy sex and meth use in 2006. (I am all about Wikipedia today!) 

 

Too bad, because now, one third of conservative voters believe that Obama is the antichrist.  Well, conservative voters in New Jersey, anyway.  Are New Jersey Christians crazier than the ones in other states?

 

The program explained that the antichrist would be a popular figure, beloved by all, who would use whatever methods were available to him (no one ever seems to think the antichrist will be a woman.  Can’t women be bad?  Hello, Eve?) to acquire worldwide power, and then use that power to wreak havoc and destruction.  When the first chain stores (like, I don’t know, the A & P, or Sears) began to appear around the country, some people got all freaked, thinking that the centralized economic power of such large corporations must be controlled by you-know-who.

 

Let me tell you, those people were on to something. 

 

For months I’ve been reading all the scary-plastic-food books.  You know the ones I mean—The Omnivore’s Dilemma, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, In Defense of Food, and most recently, Fast Food Nation. 

 

It’s like this: the fast food industry consists of enormous, multi-national conglomerates with so much political and purchasing power that they don’t just affect but outright control large swaths of the food-production systems in the U.S. 

 

As a result, we have food that is not so much grown as manufactured by companies like ConAgra and Monsanto—and I may regret typing that name because those bastards might come after me.  The food that appears to be relatively “natural” isn’t much better, because it is all infested with pesticides, chemical fertilizers, antibiotics, hormones, and feces.  Yes, feces.  If you read Fast Food Nation, you will never want a quarter-pounder again.  But don’t say so on TV, because the beef industry will sue you under the “food disparagement” law.  Don’t believe me?  They sued Oprah for saying, on her show, that she no longer wanted to eat hamburgers due to the mad-cow risk that was entirely the fault of the industry and its revolting practice of feeding the offal from cattle to other cattle. 

 

Even your veggies may be infested with feces, because the meat industry produces tons and tons and tons of animal waste, which they dispose of by dumping it into gigantic, festering lagoons and allowing it to wash into the water supply.  Ever wonder how all that spinach got contaminated with e coli?  That’s how.

 

I could go on and on, but I’ll get to the point.  The fast food industry, personified by the popular, loveable Ronald McDonald, holds worldwide power and uses it to wreak havoc and destruction.  What could be more destructive than effing up our food supply?  Even if you never set foot under the golden arches, your diet has still been ruined by fast food.  Ronald is the antichrist!  

 

See, it is not Obama.  Nor is Obama the messiah that is going to save us from the bad, bad clown.  As far as I know, food safety is not even on his agenda, even though it is so clearly related to health issues.  If Obama grew a spine and reversed all the Reagan-era, anti-consumer, pro-greed-driven-business laws and re-regulated food production, especially the meat industry, well, he would be a savior indeed. 

 

That’s not going to happen, friends.  You will have to save yourselves.

 

 

 

 

 

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24 thoughts on “Ronald McDonald Is the Antichrist

  1. Did you see “Food, Inc.” ?  It’s very good.  I am very discouraged about our food supply, although I’ve noticed that locally-produced, organic products of all kinds are far more easy to find now than they were just two years ago.  That’s a good thing, but these foods are too expensive for most people.  One thing Food Inc addresses is how cheap fast food and packaged junk food is, compared to even basic pesticide-laden supermarket produce.  

  2. I wish I could grow a lot of my own food.  This summer, though, the garden was flooded from a huge storm and we were told to get rid of the plants because sewage managed to overflow into the streets and our yards which got me thinking about the spinach e coli warnings last couple of years – I guess nobody cares about getting warnings with large produce farms.  Or the risk of national contamination is more cost efficient than the deaths that might arise?  Death panels?  Pfffft.

  3. I could be wrong, but I think the clown’s sphere of influence was limited to marketing and public relations gigs.  I don’t think Ronald McDonald actually poisoned the food supply.  No, I think you have to look deeper into the cesspool of inner corporate culture to find the real culprit, or in your case, I guess, antichrist.  I completely get your disdain and disgust with big business greed, but I don’t get why you believe regulation solves problems.  I worked for an environmental company.  They did “deep-well disposal,” which involves drilling a huge hole in the earth and sinking business wastes into it.  It was a HIGHLY regulated industry.  More regulations every year.  Guess who wrote the regulations?  The Ph.D. who worked for our company.  She drafted legislation, lobbied and then implemented regulation.  Here’s the bottom line:  governments are every bit as corrupt and twice as inefficient as private companies.  I don’t know the answer but I know government isn’t it.

  4. Oho! Perhaps it is Little Debbie that is the antichrist! No one would expect a cute little girl…I’m not sure about Ronald, though. I’m pretty much unconvinced about the whole Antichrist thing, though I would not deny that the whole global-industrio-gastronomilitary complex will ultimately lead to plagues, death, and collapse. Oh well.

  5. @ordinarybutloud – Government is the only entity with the power to regulate the meatpacking industry, but it won’t, because too many members of said government have been bought and paid for by said industry.  The industry should not be allowed to sell meat contaminated with pathogens, but it does.  It should not be allowed to abuse and exploit its workers, but it does.  It should not be allowed to damage the environment to the point that other foods are also contaminated with meat-borne pathogens, but it does.  An example: when the leftover remains of cattle carcasses are scraped up off the slaughterhouse floor and sold to grinding plants to be turned into hamburger, the grinders are not allowed to test the incoming scraps for pathogens.  They can only test the finished ground meat.  Because if they test the incoming scraps, they will know which slaughterhouse is shipping contaminated meat. If a grinder tests incoming scraps, the slaughterhouses refuse to supply it.  Why doesn’t the government demand that the scraps be tested?  That’s the hamburger they are feeding to millions of American schoolchildren. 

  6. I am sick sick sickened by the thought of a hamburger made from 100 different cows.  I have banned my family from consuming hamburger unless I grow it and grind it myself.  Which isn’t going to happen.  Or unless Obama tells me it’s safe to eat.  In which case, I will wash it down with some Kool-Aid.  Someday, maybe in our lifetimes, women will break the glass ceiling and become the antichrist, too.   HRC almost made it. 

  7. @transvestite_rabbit - The reason why:  government is corrupt and politicians are run by lobbyists.  And even in circumstances where government isn’t exactly corrupt, government jobs do not attract the best and the brightest.  That’s what I was saying about regulation:  it doesn’t work the way you think it will.  Our deep well disposal business was complicated.  There are no government employees versed in current deep well disposal technology.  So who do they turn to, to help them draft their regs?  Industry experts!  Who are industry experts?  Corporate employees!  Who writes the regulations?  The corporations who have to abide by them!  Here’s another great example:  my uncle wanted to market a medical device invented by a man who probably got a pittance for inventing it.  In order to market it successfully, he had to be able to sell to hospitals.  So what did he do?  He hired someone to lobby the regulators to make regulations REQUIRING hospitals to use this particular device under certain circumstances.  Then he had a captive market, AND he eliminated all the competition in one fell swoop.  Voila!  Regulation at work, for you.  In my opinion you only attract public servants if you take money out of government.  I would advocate the severe curtailing of campaign contributions and lobbying activities.  It isn’t representation for the people who vote.  It’s representation for the corporations who buy the government.  I don’t see any greater degree of fault as between politicians and corporations, as they both want the same thing:  money.  Another great example:  FDA labeling laws.  Do you know that SPF 70 UVA/UVB can contain only a itty teeny tiny bit of UVA protection, and still say SPF 70 UVA/UVB?  You think you’re protecting yourself and your kids from UVA AND UVB rays, but you’re not.  Why doesn’t the FDA change the regs re: labeling?  Because Neutrogena and Banana Boat have the regulators in their pockets.  Hell, they probably WRITE the regulations in the first place.  There are a million examples of how regulations don’t work.  But you’re running out of comment box, thanks to me, so I won’t give a million examples. 

  8. @ordinarybutloud – There is no lack of government expertise about meatpacking.  It is not new.  It is not techie.  It is not complex.  There just needs to be enough political pressure to overcome the monetary pressure of the lobbyists.  As in, stop electing people who think that megacorporations that have negatively impacted the health and well being of the entire country for decades can adequately regulate themselves.

  9. You know, in all fairness to New Jersey voters, I don’t believe Pres. Obama is the Antichrist, and I would still have a really hard time saying “no” to that question.  Who can resist accusing someone of being the Antichrist?  Seriously!

  10. @transvestite_rabbit - since I look like a freak (scrolling up to see my ranty long-winded comment) already, I think I better opt out of further discussion.  However, I think regulation can suck when it’s complex/techie OR when the industry is highly monied.  Either one.  Don’t need both.  Make everyone stump on stumps!  Down with campaign contributions!  I’m sick of all the judges in the county hitting me up as it is.  Don’t they realize I’m broke?

  11. LOL You know they say the devil had red hair. But then that would make my husband eligible. AH Christianity and its mythological past beliefs.  Get a grip folks. If he is there would be nothing anyone could do about it. So if Obama is the Antichrist it still would be Gods design. Just thoughts but he is no devil. Capitalism is, Jesus said so. Can’t serve God and money.

  12. You’re probably right, but as a backer of President Obama, let me just say that while the food industry deserves to be one of his priorities, he has a WHOLE lot of other stuff on his plate right now.  No pun intended.Even though you and I still might squabble at times, you’re still one of my favorite bloggers.  I have to remember to visit you more often.

  13. I still need to read the Omnivore’s Dilemma, but I am not sure if I want the dilemma so clearly defined that I have to actually DO something about it.  This is a head in the sand issue for me as I have kind of an adversarial relationship with food anyway. I would like to just take a pill and then eat for fun on the weekends.  

  14. I’m borrowing this to share with our assistant pastor. May I have either permission, or forgiveness? I’m told the second is easier to obtain. Thank you.I will credit you. I won’t claim to have written it myself.

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