(New, Helpful Illustration included.)
Did you miss me? I’ve been lurking a bit, commenting here and there. Every few days I click over to the Xanga front page and read a couple of popular posts. Today, the number one post is Dan the Theologian asking what kind of lingerie he should buy. I couldn’t bring myself to click on that one, so here I am.
So, here are a few ripped-from-the-headlines headlines to discuss.
1. Oslo. Right-wing Christian crazy mofo writes a Unabomber-esque manifesto, makes a Virginia-Tech-esque video, sets off a Tim McVeigh-esque bomb outside a government building, and shoots up a camp full of kids, Columbine-style. Apparently, the dude really admires American crazy mofos. And apparently, he doesn’t like all those immigrants coming to Norway because it’s such a great place to live. So he made it a not-great place by going all crazy mofo. May as well stay home, Nordic wannabes. You can get shot in your own country.
2. Debt/deficit. Okay, so, the US has this whopping big debt and this huge deficit. Well, we’ve all had debts, right? Student loans, car payments, credit card balances. When your debt gets out of control you can a. spend a lot less money and pay down the debt, b. bring in a whole bunch more money and pay down the debt, or c. BOTH. That’s what I would do, but those mofos in Congress don’t listen to the likes of me.
I can certainly see why they would not want to let the Bush tax cuts expire and bring in a whole bunch more money, though, because…I mean…the job creators! We must not demand more taxes from the job creators! We lowered their taxes back in ’03 so they could go forth and create jobs without that pesky tax burden hanging over them. And look–the economy stagnated for a few years, and then it crashed! But don’t worry about that. All that matters is, the job creators must have low, low taxes so they can create jobs like they’ve been doing during this here recovery. Haven’t they? Well, never mind that. Ignore that little man behind the curtain.
Since the job creators are too worried and upset by the uncertainty of the tax burden that might be imposed by the bad, bad president, they are not creating jobs. They have delicate constitutions. But don’t worry, the House of Representatives has a plan! They will alleviate that uncertainty and make the job creators feel much better by forcing the country to default on its debts. Who wouldn’t feel comfortable investing in the future by hiring lots of people and plowing tons of resources into training them under those conditions? The job creators are watching the news minute by minute, hoping for a default so they can start hiring. Dust off your resumes, unemployed hordes! Get up off the couch and put on clean undies. The jobs are coming.
I just realized that while I’ve been typing this I’ve not been watching the bad, bad president’s speech about the debt. What did he say? Please tell me he lost his cool and called John Boehner an a-hole. Just this once. What would it hurt? Boehner might cry, but he always does.
Look! A helpful illustration! Those tax cuts sure were expensive.
3. Gay marriage in New York. Go, gay friends, tie those knots! Have big, lavish, tastefully decorated weddings and invite hundreds of out-of-state friends! Enjoy spectacular honeymoons. Set up housekeeping in the suburbs and get some babies. Drive the minivan to soccer practice. Join the PTA. Bake cookies. Have an affair with your super-cute coworker. Down a cocktail when you come in the house every day, preferably before you even set your briefcase down. Actually, have two. Yell and cry and throw dishes in between loads of laundry. Then, get divorced. Repeat.
Ha ha. Just kidding. Sort of.
4. Eh, three is enough. Maybe I’ll be back tomorrow.