Personal Ads, Part II

I know I said I wasn’t going to go there, but I might just steal this Craigslist ad and make it my own. I’ll just have to change a few small details, and make it singular, of course.

Seeking Fall Boyfriends

2 smart, funny, attractive girls each looking for a fall boyfriend with chill group of bro friends, now is the time you must start dating someone in order to spend the holidays together/go on ski trips/have a NYE kiss you’re stoked on.

Fall boyfriend, okay. Bro friends, no.

Labor Day has happened, we are saying goodbye and filtering out our casual summer, meet up at 2 a.m. hook ups and are looking for boys we might be able to stand being sober around.

So far so good.

Needed: 2 males interested in something steady/serious-ish as the weather fades from hot, humid, and care-free to crisp, chill Patagonia vest season. Interested parties should have a window in their bedroom and want to cuddle with the window slightly open to let the fresh autumn air in while a fall scented candle (that I’ll buy for you, babe) fills the room with cozy comfort.

Scented candles, eh, not so much.


Chill group of guy friends (preference will be given to bros who come from the same group of friends, just because that makes it easier and more fun for double date brunching)

Again, no.

27 and older

47 and older

6 feet or taller (if you’re 5’11” but have a personality to make up for the height difference, willing to consider it. Any shorter? Don’t apply.)

Tall is fine but I’m not hung up on it. I’ll set my minimum at 5’7″

Wardrobe should include: Driving mocs, Barbour coat, Half-Zips (at least 3, please send pics if possible), Ray-Bans (Wayfarers or Clubmastesr preferred, but open to other styles), loafers, Patagonia vest(s), Vineyard Vines, basketball shorts for me to sleep in

I wouldn’t recognize these items if he wore them. Let’s change that to “clean clothes.”

College education. Ivy league preferred. Def in a frat or played a sport (lacrosse, crew, tennis, etc.)

College, yes. Ivy League, okay but not required. Frat boy, no no no.

Probs spent at least 4 weekends in Montauk over the summer


Activities can include but are not limited to

Apple Picking-okay

Sunday Fundays- don’t know what this means

Borrowing your pullover and returning it after an indecent amount of time, if at all-yes. In fact, any guy who doesn’t “loan” me a sweatshirt has no future with me.

Taking selfies in Patagonia vests/taking selfies while doing all activities #fall #boyfriendweather-eh, no

Watching football (aka me getting drunk while you watch football, and you thinking it’s so adorable when I wear jeans and Converse to the bar and get blackout in your team’s hat.) *sneakers show how chill and laid back I am < this is why it’s kinda essential for the two boys to be friends so me and my friend can blackout together and I won’t get bored.

No football. No blacking out. Ugh.

Cooking – Instagramming dish with captions such as “Fall night with my babe @yourhandle *heart emoji all the fall emojis*”–huh?

Brunching outdoors until weather permits-this makes no sense

Strange how the night moves, with autumn closing in-yes

(If you don’t know that song, don’t apply)-yes, because if you don’t know that song, you are way under 47

Looking forward to meeting you!

Actually, I’m not. Never mind.


9 thoughts on “Personal Ads, Part II

  1. These girls are definitely New Yorkers. Also, fans of Sex In The City. The girls on that show spent a lot of time brunching outdoors, and were even pickier about their dates.

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